Four Years. How in the world has it been four years.
Four years ago life was altered. Changed. Four years ago Reid was born. My beautiful nightmare began. Four years.
As I reflect back on these four years I am so grateful for where I am now. I am so grateful for our family and friends who continue to support us and continue to remember Reid. I’m grateful that God blessed us with another beautiful boy and I am grateful for being able to see the sunshine through the rain. I grateful for the ability to share Reid’s story. I am the 1 in 4….My story is not the first and it is unfortunately not the last. I write because it helps me to heal. I share because my story will hopefully help someone else. I remember because Reid’s story has shaped me into who I am.
The last couple weeks have been hard. I’m not sure what it is about this year but Reid has been on my mind a lot more then usual. I have witnessed a few exceptionally sad and difficult cases at the hospital that I think have brought back some emotions. I remember being that mom. That mom that walks into the hospital with her baby and walks out with a hole in her heart. That mom that although feels love feels so much empty. You see when someone losses a child (at least for me) a part of you goes with them. That hole is not repairable. It is a part of you. And although time allows you to live again it doesn’t fix that hole.
I remember walking into the hospital. Praying silently to God. I remember the prayer my doctor said for Ian and I as he told us it was time to deliver our boy. I remember being terrified. I remember being hopeful. I remember begging. Begging God to make it different. Begging him to allow me to wake up from this nightmare. Begging him to make Reid be ok.
I remember going to lunch the day he died. Four days after we walked into the hospital. We actually laughed a little. Enjoyed the company of our family. I remember going back to the NICU. Our moms went to see Reid. I remember them walking back out quickly…crying…telling Ian and I we had to go in now. I remember seeing what felt like 1,000,000 people standing at his bedside. The look of sorrow in their eyes. The look that I know from working in the hospital. The look when you don’t know what to say to a mother and father. I remember sitting down with his doctor. I remember asking questions and asking him if there was any chance of a miracle that Reid could some how come out on the other side. I remember him saying no. I knew in my heart he was right. I knew from experience he was right. I knew that my Reid was ready to go.
I wanted to hold on forever. I still do.
Today we will celebrate his life. We will celebrate our second born. Celebrate the journey that God has chosen for us. I am forever indebted to Reid for the lessens that he taught me and for the loved that he showed me and because of him the love that I have allowed myself to feel. Today there will be all the feels. All the joy, laughter, love, grief. Today we will celebrate life, love and our perfect family of 5. Today we will celebrate the most perfect gifts that God gave us.